Classic German Shepherd 😂
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College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”