Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory