Classic German Shepherd 😂
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I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…