Classic German Shepherd 😂
You Might Also Like
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
emergency phone
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”