Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?