Classic German Shepherd 😂
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Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.