classic mixup
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
What do you text your spouse?
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
everyone’s a critic
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
