Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

🙏🏾

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time