Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?