CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
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SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
📽️movie date🎞️
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
dictator is short for richard potato
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.