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I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this