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You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.