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Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
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Netflix and you sit over there.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Based Erika
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?