Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

😎 🍻

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.