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Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens