Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone