Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

The Onion called it…again.

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.