Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

how to exercise your calf muscles

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽