Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free