Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?