[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.