Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys