Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

My dream car is a taco truck.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.