Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
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live, laugh, laundry.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Monica just destroyed the internet
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.