Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

They’re the worst 😩

Asking the real questions!

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)