My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
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I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
#titanic
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…