“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*