“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla