“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years