Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?