“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
You Might Also Like
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Yes
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
@ candidates for local office
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.