Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?