Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back