Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
This seems like peak sibling energy
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*