Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don’t have mouths….but because they respect the choices you make.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
Hey whatcha eating?
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound
2 cats smoke catnip and lay around, discussing Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. “What if the laser pointer is just a projection?”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I think the only thing Fox News hasn’t yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson’s bullets. #ferguson
People of Twitter:
If you worry that you aren’t creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.