@abhorrent_wife

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

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@TheBananaFacts

Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don’t have mouths….but because they respect the choices you make.

@Rollinintheseat

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

@Brampersandon_

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

@ewws13

Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.

@007Rex_Inc

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

@rebeccaheckyea

2 cats smoke catnip and lay around, discussing Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. “What if the laser pointer is just a projection?”

@upsidedowntrash

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

@TragicAllyHere

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

@cjwerleman

I think the only thing Fox News hasn’t yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson’s bullets. #ferguson

@the_couch_guy

People of Twitter:

If you worry that you aren’t creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.