Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
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Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
❤️❤️❤️
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars