Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.