Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

Two types of dogs.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.