Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

that lip filler tho

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform