“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS