Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.