clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
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i smell a pulitzer
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Why are bridges so flammable.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
