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There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise