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me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?