Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
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I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do