Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

this site is so cooked lol

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!