Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.