Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
You Might Also Like
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”