Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.