Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.