Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
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I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
…..pretty much.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me