Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I think this cat is broken
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.