Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
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If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.