Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
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God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Seek kebab; not attention
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”