Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.