*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
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*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.