Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.