Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

😭😭

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”