Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*