Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
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Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’