Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
You Might Also Like
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
oh no, steve’s working tonight
