Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
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Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?