Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?