Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here