Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Got him!
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!