Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

Taco Bell, Exit 22

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*