Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

What my back needs

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

the composer

Butt weight. There’s more!

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say