Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Weirdly Wednesday.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.