Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.