Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
You Might Also Like
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
