Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

Is this the real life?
Is this just

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

john wicks are toilet candles

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

“no gods no masters” = leo

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here