Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*