Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

😞

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

hey, alexa

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

[eulogy]

line?

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics