Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

Your secret is safeish with me

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

this is the best day of my life

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?