[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
You Might Also Like
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?