Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
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I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish