Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

When he asks for feet pics

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold