Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog