Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.