Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Went to the spa* this morning!
*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.