Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.