Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
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Beware of fowl play.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing