Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

I am laughing way too hard at this.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

me when the borders lift

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.