Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
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I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Stop sending me this shit.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet