Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
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Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean